Month in Music: March (R. Kelly Gets Patriotic, JT Rips Off Mayer Hawthorne, The Allman Brothers Back At It and More)





Full Disclosure: I consider myself a big R. Kelly fan. Party anthems, cheesy inspirational songs, tunes about about bonding with homies, baby making music…the man can do it all. You can imagine my excitement when I found out that there was an official petition on the White House website to make “Ignition (Remix)”, a true classic in every sense, the new national anthem for these United States of America.


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After deep analysis, I’m on board with this petition for the following 3 reasons:


1) The “Let’s Be Lovers, Not Fighters” Argument:


Our current National Anthem mentions “rockets” and “bombs”….that’s some bleak ish right there.  The remix to Ignition invites everyone to “After parties”, “hotel lobbies” and proceeds to explain that at 4 am, the lobby will be cleared so we’ll all head up to hotel rooms and “freak somebody”. That’s a message I can get behind.


2) The “Let’s Be All Inclusive” Argument: 


I’m not that well versed in politics, but it seems like there if a lot of ideas based on exclusion being thrown around in the political arena these days. In the world of Ignition, and other slow jams by Kels, there is no exclusion. He’s got “fellas on his left” and “hunnies on his right” and he makes note that he is bringing them all together for “junkin all night”. Bringing people together folks. We need more of that.


3) The “Let’s Do This For Ethical Reasons” Argument:


Ethics seem to be a thing of the past. In our “me, me, me” culture, no one is polite or courteous anymore (and this is coming from a New Yorker). We need a national anthem that can inspire everyone  to start treating each other a little bit better on a day to day basis. Ignition is a courteous and giving jam. He even starts off the song by declaring that he’s not trying to be rude (mensch move on Kels part) and that he simply wants to give a lady the “beep beep” while also receiving the “toot toot”. Giving and taking is what life is all about. Polite…check. Courteous…check.


We can learn a lot from Mr. Kelly about how to treat people (minus one particular incident, but hey, Kels is human just like the rest of us).




 JT Ripping Fools Off


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If you’ve been in a medically induced coma for the past month you still probably know that Justin Timberlake is back on the music train with his highly anticipated (by who exactly?) new album, “The 20/20 Experience”. Justin came roaring back with an old school, 50s soul vibe that left Mayer Hawthorne asking himself, “What the fuck am I supposed to do now?”

In worse news, JT claims to be releasing another album in the fall. Whose look and vibe is he going to steal from next you ask? I don’t know. I do love to gamble though so I set some odds on a couple different possibilities:



Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeroes


Odds: 14-to-1

Tell me you can’t see JT dressed in shredded clothes, completely disregard the concept of a shower and underwear, and grow a thick beard. I can’t either, just the idea of Timbaland dressed in hippy garb makes me laugh. Long shot for sure though.



Riff Raff

Odds: 9-1

JT does loves rap music and is quite well versed in it’s history, as we’ve seen many times on Jimmy Fallon’s show. It was hard to decide which rapper’s ethos JT would steal from. 2 Chainz and Trinidad James were both strong contenders. Andre 3000 was the strong runner up, but the afro situation does seem to be something that would have to be overcome. So when in doubt, put the money on Riff Raff. I think Riff Raff’s wardrobe is quite similar to some stuff JT still has in the closet from his boy band days, gold teeth are everywhere now and Riff Raff loves to collaborate with his contemporaries like JT does.





The Black Keys

Odds: 5-1

What band have more songs on more platforms than the Black Keys at the moment? HBO shows, car commercials, bumpers to commercial breaks on sporting events, these guys are everywhere. This is the easiest persona for JT to rip from elsewhere. Jeans and t-shirts, shitting on the Biebs in the press, hell, the Black Keys even collaborate with rappers like JT does. They also have some street cred for not being soft with their tunes. In most instances, this would be the front runner. This is not most instances though.




Kanye West

Odds: 2.5-1

Kanye came out and said he’s still cool with Jigga man, but he don’t fuck with the JT “Suit and Tie” bullshit. What’s Timberlake do? Does he tell Ye that he mistook his baby mama’s ass for Joey Fatone? No. Does he tell Ye that he has better plastic surgeons for his family members? No. So that’s why we’re giving this the best odds. How big of an F-U would it be to Kanye if come Fall, we saw Jessica Biel with a huge ass and jet black hair being shopped around by her mother like a whore on Game of Thrones while JT goes on live tv to make uncomfortable comments about political figures in the wake of tragedy all while wearing a leather mini-skirt and telling the world that he interned at Yves Saint Laurent, so he knows fashion and if he wears a black mini-skirt, well goddamnit, that’s fashion. What would Ye do to retaliate? Start a boy band? We need more “Hip Pop” beef out there like this.



The Allman Brothers Band returned to the Beacon for their annual March residency. I have a special place in my heart for Allman shows at the Beacon as they were my first experience with all things heady. First time I encountered heady people, first time I ate heady treats, first time I saw heady things that weren’t really there, all happened at the Allman Brothers Beacon run. It’s nice to see the boys are still kicking ass and taking names.



Quick Ones While You Were Away:

My Chemical Romance Breaks Up…I couldn’t give a shit about this. I just found it fascinating this got press.



Billy Joel made a kids wish come true at Vanderbilt University. This is just awesome. The onions on this kid though, huh?



The Strokes released their heartless new album that makes me think they all just wanted a payday and threw away the entire concept of “letting your sound grow

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Lou Reed cancels tour dates again. This is becoming all to common an occurrence for me. Lou Reed announces that he is playing somewhere, he gets VU fans all excited that maybe he’ll put forth some effort and not sound like he just got out of a lobotomy, and then cancels his shows last minute. I guess ole Lou ain’t doing too hot these days, but quit messing with my emotions man.



Latest Obnoxious Trend in Hipsterdom: Bands with no vowels

I guess hipsters are too cool for vowels now. At some point the hipster god’s that be, got together and decided that from this moment forward, license plate spelling would be the correct form of grammar between Williamsburg and Silver Lake. We got bands with names like TNGHT and DWTWN making the rounds. My English teacher is furious right now.


Latest Obnoxious Music Cruise: Weezer Cruise

So it was announced this month that there will be a Weezer cruise in February 2014. Yes, that’s right folks, pasty and pale 30 somethings taking over the Carribean with “The Sweater Song” and “Beverly Hills” blasting on repeat. Rivers must look sexy in a bathing suit.


Do you really want to see these guys in a bathing suit?


Artist to Watch: Hanni El-Khatib

Dude is pretty sick on the electric. Check em out…